Volatility




Funny how you sometimes can't name how you are feeling. Believing that capturing these feelings in a capsule called a word could make you feel better, you desperately try and give a name to it. Lonely is too common, depressed is rather overrated. Angry is not what it is exactly, but irritable could pass but only for one little aspect of it. It's a little crazy, yes, crazy. But not crazy psychological, it's crazy like chaotic, or maybe crazy helter-skelter to reduce its weight. Having a name to call your situation also will make it easier for you to be able to tell it to a friend, the usual emotional catharsis especially when you are incapable of tears. To top it all, just thinking about this magnifies your frustration.


My frustration.


Now, I think I'll call myself "volatile."


Noah Webster and his partner Merriam seemed to be a little confused when they gave a definition to this word. Gladly I was able to resolve this myself. As per their online dictionary, VOLATILE means


1 : flying or having the power to fly2 a : LIGHTHEARTED, LIVELY b : easily aroused c : tending to erupt into violence : EXPLOSIVE3 a : unable to hold the attention fixed because of an inherent lightness or fickleness of disposition b : characterized by or subject to rapid or unexpected change4: difficult to capture or hold permanently.


Well, if only I could fly then one of my problems is solved already! I'll immediately fly away from my so-called home. Well, that's another word that is society's shit. You are obliged to call the house where you live with your folks, (e.g. parents, siblings) your "home." I thought "home is where the heart is?!"


And lighthearted and lively? That is a farce. But easily aroused and tending to erupt into violence, holds true for me. And I can even admit that I am right now "unable to hold the attention fixed because of an inherent lightness or fickleness of disposition." I'd rather not reiterate on this because I have this paranoia that broadcasting on my blog the situation of my relationship with my partner might magnify whatever bump there is on our road and might send us flying off to yet another rockier road, not chocolate but bitter, dirty mud. You see, the way I am juggling my relationship with my partner and my relationship with my inner demon is "characterized by or subject to rapid or unexpected change." Yet none of them is open to that change.


Despite these loopholes and inconsistencies, I'll say I'll call myself volatile. That's the closer word I can find. That's the easiest way for me to bridle this berserk animal I call my emotions. With that, I won't be "difficult to capture or hold permanently" anymore. Then I might be able to reconcile my partner and my inner demon. Thus, harmony. Despite volatility.

Rav De Castro
expressions
01:21