ganito pala kapag inaantok ka na nang sobra.
antok na antok na ko. pero hindi ako pwede matulog. actually, nandito ako sa trabaho. night shift. alam nyo naman, usong-uso ang night shift ngayon. oo, nakiuso naman ako.
oo, nagtatrabaho na ko. pero hindi pa ako nakakagraduate sa college. tumigil lang ako ngayong sem. akala ko kasi, sawa na ko mag-aral. akala ko, gusto ko na talga magtrabaho.
hindi pala.
ang kulit ko kasi. hindi ako marunong maghintay. gusto ko na lagi buhayin ang bukas. sa halip na mag-aral, ang gusto ko ay magtrabaho gaya ng isang college grad.
pero madali lang naman ako nakakuha ng mga trabaho.
pero grabe talaga, antok na antok na ko. alas-quatro na ng madaling-araw. dalawang oras na lang, puputok na ang araw. maaari na akong lumabas sa gusaling ito at salubungin ang pagputok. tapos, uuwi ako sa aming bahay, dederetso sa aking silid at wakas ay matutulog. hindi ako magpapagising sa liwanag.
nakaapagod pala kasi magtrabaho. parang naiisip ko, hindi ito patas. dapat ay ang pag-aaral ko ang pinagpapaguran ko ngayon. hindi ito. pero ito ang pinasok ko eh. tsaka ko na iisipin kung saan ang daan palabas kapag tinatawag na akong muli ni oble. sa totoo nga nyan, namimiss ko na rin ang puwitan niyang noo'y araw-araw tumatambad sa mukha ko.
hay.
sabik na ako sa kanya, kay oble. sabik na ako sa humanities. sabik na ako sa init ng panahon nito at sa mas mainit na pagtanggap ng mga tao rito. sabik na ko sa los baños.
gusto ko na siyang balikan.
para akong ugat ng halamang naghahanap ng tubig sa isang lupang tigang. para akong barkong naghahanap ng isang islang mapagdadaungan. para akong ibong naghahanap ng sangang mapagpapahingahan.
ngunit ang totoo, alam ko na kung saan ang tubig nagbubukal, kung saan naroon ang isla, kung saang dako nakatayo ang mga puno.
ayoko na yatang magpalipas pa ng maraming gabi sa lugar na ito.
gusto ko nang bumalik.
dahil antok na antok na ako. kailangan na ng isipan ko ng pampagising. kailangan ko nang ibangon ang aking diwa. kailangan ko nang muling bigyan ng makabuluhang buhay ang aking kaluluwa.
inaantok an ako. pero kaya ko pa ring maglakbay ngayong gabi.
hintayin mo ako, oble. d'yan ka lang sa los baños.
babalik na ako.
Rav De Castro
expressions
03:50
: 12:25 AM : 5:30 AMBeing swallowed by this
downward
current
of
broken dreams
and
broken hopes
and
broken smiles
and
crushed
spirits.
down to
a
dark
vacuum
of dank tears
and
a deafening solitude
a screaming anonymity
with
every
non-existent
Reality
And
there's
no light
at the end of the tunnel
only
the dank darkness
that leads to
the world of
Hopes and Dreams and Smiles
that
no one
knows of
except me.
march 30, 2005
Rav De Castro
expressions
17:24
Linggo ng Pagkabuhay
ang hirap ng magkalayo tayo ng ganto. nahihirapan tlga ko. hindi dahil sa nasanay na ko na palagi ka kasama, pero dahil ikaw ang kailangan ko sa tabi ko.kaya ko ibigay lahat makasama lang kita ngayon.
gusto ko na magpasukan na para araw araw na tayo mgkakasama.. para hindi na kita mamimiss.. para araw araw na ko masaya. para araw-araw, nakikita kita at gabi-gabi, mapapanood ko ang pagtulog mo.
gusto ko na ring gumraduate pag gradute ka na. para sabay tayo lalabas sa mundo ng elbi. sabay nating iiwan ang lugar kung saan tayo nagtagpo, sabay tayong magmumulat ng mata. sabay nating lilisanin ang lugar kung saan naganap ang imposible. pero alam kong imposible un. dahil ilang taon pa ang gugugulin ko dito... nang mag-isa.
mauuna kang lumabas ng mundo. mauuna kang magmulat ng mata. at sana, anyo ko pa rin ang laging hanap ng paningin mo. dahil marami ka makikilala. at natatakot ako. dahil maraming nakahihigit pa sa akin sa labas ng mundo. at natatakot akong mahigitan nila ako.
pero sigurado ako, ako lang ang magmamahal sayo nang ganito.
pero akala ko rin imposible na makakita ako at magkaroon ng gaya mo.. akala ko imposible na mayroon akong mamahalin nang ganito, at akala ko rin, imposible na may magmamahal sa akin nang ganito.
napakasuwerte ko.dahil sayo.
ikaw ang dahilan ng napakaraming bagay sa buhay ko. dahil doon, ikaw na rin ang dahilan ng aking pagkabuhay.
dahil matagal na kong namatay...
sapagkat ang isang taong walang minamahal at walang nagmamahal ay isang taong walang buhay. humihinga lang. ngunit maging ang kanyang paghinga ay walang dahilan.
salamat sa pagbibigay sa akin ng dahilan. salamat sa pagbuga sa akin ng buhay. dahil sayo, mayroon akong buhay at dahilan upang ipagpatuloy ito.
kahit magkalayo man tayo ngayon, sapat na sa akin ang katotohanang iisang araw ang kumukulay sa ating umaga at iisang langit ang sumusukob sa ating gabi..
kasama kita sa aking pagtulog; naroon ka sa aking mga panaginip. at sa aking paggising, ikaw ang katuparan ng aking mga pangarap.
ikaw ang aking umaga. ikaw ang aking gabi. ikaw ang liwanag sa bukang-liwayway, ikaw ang kapayapaan ng dapit-hapon. ikaw ang amihang nagpapalamig ng aking disyembre, ang habagat na sa aki'y dumidilig kung agosto. ikaw ang hangin ng bawat buwan ng buhay ko.
at sa bawat paghinga ko, umaga man o gabi, bawat isa ay alay ko sayo, mahal ko.
Rav De Castro
expressions
13:47
malaki raw ang mata ko
malabo naman. ang sakit na nga nila eh. walong oras ko nang kaharap ang monitor ng pc na ito. ayoko na sa kanya pero gusto ko pa. (meron kayang addictive chemicals na gini-give off ang internet? mai-search nga.) ansarap kasi magpalibot-libot sa internet. pero hindi masarap pag masakit na ang mata mo.
i-try nyo.
ang hirap kasi naka-contact lens ako. para akong may malalaking mga muta na hindi ko maaaring tanggalin kasi hindi na ko makakakita. putangnang astigmatism to!
minsan tuloy naiisip ko na mag-el shaddai.. baka kaya ng dasal to. baka pag pinahidan ko ng langis ang eyeballs ko lilinaw. baka kapag nag-blindfold ako ng el panyo ng el shaddai, biglang magiging 20/20 vision ko. baka pag nagdasal ako sa luneta, madinig ako ni yahweh. maingay kasi mga sasakyan sa bahay namin kasi nasa tabi kami ng highway.
alam ko naiisip mo... tanga. hindi nga ako makapag-eyeglasses kasi hindi ko na rin kagrado ung lens ko. ginawa ko na yun, pero nahilo ako at nasuka. siguro kaya rin ako nasuka eh dahil sa itsura ko. tsaka may iba ako gustong salamin. kaya eto, pinag-iipunan ko pa yung tommy frames na nakita ko sa sarabia optical. oo na, mahirap lang ako.
tas mahirap din magkaroon ng malabong paningin. at ng malalaking mga mata.
sabi ni karl, my eyes are so big he can see the future. ok lang, malaki naman ang utak ko. i can see his future.
Rav De Castro
expressions
17:18
alessa and i in alternate universes
The quill
cries
black ink
that fills up the
vacuum
of oblivion
and seeps
through
immaculate pages
of tainted
white.
The black ink
cries
of the
emptiness
of the vacuum
that traps
the immaculate pages of tainted white
in oblivion.
The emptiness
of oblivion
is a vacuum
that taints
the immaculate pages
white.
And I am
oblivious
to the tainted beauty
of the immaculate.
As the quill
taints
the white pages
with
black tears.
To oblivion.
Rav De Castro
expressions
15:21
drenched in flames
We can only gaze upon the night sky and admire the stars.
But the night sky veils all nocturnal matters: our hidden desires and nagging inhibitions. It shrouds darkness to everything underneath; the stars are but points of glitter that hushes us from our dread of a total darkness.
Then we get to pick our favorite star.
It shines the brightest, at least in our point of perspective. All the other points of glitter in the periphery are but oblivious specks of faint glow. We would want that star so much for we know that it could satisfy our desire to bathe in the light. Then something more intense than want and more zealous than desire follows -- something we could not even name... Then we would want to take hold of that point of glitter and take it as our own. We would yearn to have it.
And I believe that that pounding in our hearts is part of our being human. But part of our being human is our innate notion of right and wrong.
Or maybe it's the other face of fear.
Then the night sky would scatter its clouds and make us realize that our want and desire stops there. The feeling itself is the real end of the means. The stars ae for our eyes only. Our most adored point of glitter is only to be gazed upon.
Whatever emotion it triggers in our hearts, it is for the heart only. It follows the reality that we are all condemned to bless the earth, only the earth itself, and never grace the heavens. And this condemnation is our savior from death.
Our favorite star is for our eyes only; to touch it is our death raving in flames.
Rav De Castro
expressions
14:32
this letter's prObably nOt fOr yOu.
i miss you.
i miss you because i know only a third of what your other friends know about you. we never get to talk anymore. i never get to tell you my day's worth anymore. you never get to tell yours.
i miss you because i drink my coffee alone. and i never get to drink coffee at KA.
i miss you because i share my smoke with the wind and not with you. we used to burn our lungs together. but now, you burn urs with your newfound friends.
i miss you because i don't know you anymore. you don't know me anymore.i wanted you to be my sis at the uplb comartssoc because i want to be closer to you, but what happened is the opposite.
i guess my dream now exists in the alternate universe...
how i wish i could snatch from that universe the reality that i wished for us both.
if only i could, i would travel that far from you, even if i get sucked up by blackholes, i shall find an escape for you.
because i love you.
you told me once that i was the bestfriend that you never had.
i wish i still am. and i want to be your bestfriend.
but where are you now? are you now living together with my dreams in the reality of that alternate universe that i abhor?
i miss you so much.
Rav De Castro
expressions
17:19
a bag Of beans
You made me breathe mountain air
and cigarette smoke
as i drown my
thoughts in the lake in view
and my insides with
a tall macchiato.
And the macchiato
is bittersweet
but soothing
to my cold skin
being blown by
the chilly mountain
air,
Fogged by my cigarettte's
blue fumes
that warm
my lungs
So
I came to long for a warm
Touch.
And your hands look firm
Your fingers harbor the cigarette I gave you
with such
firmness
that
I wanted you to hold me,
too.
That I wanted to hold you to know
if
you are real.
That we breathe the same
air and smoke.
You went for another
cup
of coffee
One is not enough.
as I
palpitate (in such a lame fury)
not because
of the bittersweet macchiato,
or of the burning tobacco.
I know that the lake
in view
has a pot of flaming mud
in it's heart
despite its cool, blue, placid waters.
One could sometimes be not enough.
You're back with a smaller cup this time
with a promise of
taking me
to you
After coffee.
And then I lit
another umpteen stick
and
another string
of thought
came forth,
on how i am
not
supposed to
breathe
mountain air,
and macchiatos
can make me palpitate,
and there's sugar in the counter.
Brown and white.
Patience is a virtue.
We went to your
place.
Where
patience is a virtue.
But the fruits that were born are
like macchiatos.
Bittersweet.
And still I palpitate.
For your hands are
not firm
but are the innards of coffee jelly,
colder than the mountain air.
Maybe
I'm really not supposed
to be having coffee
and giving off tar fumes
here
in the mountain where there is a lake in view with a pot of flaming mud in its heart.
Because
Macchiatos
are bittersweet.
Rav De Castro
expressions
16:54
lOcal cOlOr
Your silence
speaks a
Thousand Words
that I cannot
comprehend.
For if
some things are best left unsaid
then
It's not the best for me.
For I am
a
planter
of words
And
I want to reap my fruits.
Yet silence be
the fruit that I shall reap
then
my seeds were misbegotten
in your land.
But I tilled
your land.
Night and Day.
I cultivate myself in you,
with
Words that I plant
and I make it richer by
my actions
which my words overwhelm
Because I talk much.
Because you listen well.
And you never show reaction.
That I wonder if my words are needles that prick you and make you numb...
You
tantamount
my words
with
Blanks
that I cannot fill
And I am but a scrabbler
stuck with consonants
and through vowels
I cry my Despair.
For you listen well.
And you listen well.
For you only listen.
Dumbfounded.
By my rapture of words
that whine and shout and yell and scream and whimper and moan
which i rant and blabber and scold and nag.
For
I am tired of planting
impotent seeds
and of tilling
ungiving land.
Actions speak louder than words.
Stab me.
Rav De Castro
expressions
16:07
an Ode tO the gOd Of wisdOm
yOu are my daylight
and my perennial mOOnlight
yOu are the blackhOle
that swallOws me whOle
until the universe falls apart
yOu will always be the
Other half Of my sky
yOur cOming is my salvatiOn
ascend me
spread my wings
the flicker in my veins
yOu set aflame
and i burn
fire has never been
this sweet
and fire never scOrched
as befOre
fOr yOu are the star that
i tOuched
with my death in raving flames
i live
fOr that fire, yOur fire
is
my
reasOn fOr being.
Rav De Castro
expressions
15:14
this time i wOn't cuss
my life has been a series of
chaos and disillusionment and broken arrows.
i have wanted to find peace in you but everytime i do so,
you were unavailable.
or you seem to be.
you have been so far,,,
and i don't think i can stand it anymore if you will finally leave.
and be farther than ever that i would not be able to reach you.
i don't want you to be a star in the night sky
that i can only gaze upon.
i want you to be my sunshine that i could feel.
but if that shall happen,
i would find ways to reach for you and touch you.
i would not care if you burn me. i am willing to return to ash for you.
please. give me a chance. give us a chance.
i chose to stay for i still love you. i am still so in love with you.
that is the reason why i still want to go on. love.
i am willing to change for the better. i am willing to give up my old ways which made you feel bad about me. only if you can give me a chance.
i have immersed myself in a quagmire, thinking that it is solid ground. but i have been wrong. and only you could save me.
Rav De Castro
expressions
17:27
first time
ok. right.
i am finally a blogger.
and i did this out of lack of things to do.
so now, i would be rather obliged to share my words with you.
you are now entitled to see my play of words.
and you can now see my style in playing the game of life.
damn.
life is one big play.
Rav De Castro
expressions
17:53
: 4:50 AM
::SOLILOQUY::
these are
my thOught bubbles.
you can read them;
listen tO my ranting.
Or not.
i do not need yOur senses.
my wOrds find sanctuary in my writing,
as i find sanctuary in my wOven wOrds.
this is me sOlilOquizing,
thrOwing wOrds intO ObliviOn.
intO yOur ObliviOn.
welcOme tO mine.
-the cunninglinguist
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